Chocolate Dreams

I hardly know where I stand; how I’m perceived; what I believe in; who I am becoming. But the journey to those answers feels astonishing.

As adults, we’re expected to know things. We’re expected to have a steady job, healthy relationships, and ambitious hopes for the future. We’re supposed to exude confidence and maturity in the things we do, yet express modesty and easefulness in doing them. That’s the status-quo. That’s what we see in our parents and our parent’s parents. To live up to a high standard of existence. Yet, I struggle with all those things, and more. Though the government may legally consider me an “adult,” I lack many qualities adults are expected to have. I feel young. I feel unsure. I feel unprepared.

I received a letter from my dear cousin, recently, that set me at ease. In the letter he said:
I am in my mid-adult years and barely realizing that I do not know exactly what I look like. All these years have I taken for granted the image I portray through the façade of a smoke-screen and distorted mirror. My vision has been limited to only see its reflection through the bias of deception, manipulation, and fear. But I can now begin to see untainted. And as I peer at myself, I am drawn especially to the eyes. Careful examination surfaces fear yet bravery; failure yet victory; confusion yet knowing; regret yet contentment; anxiety yet peace. This duality has encouraged and fueled a battle that has become my ultimate struggle.

See, the things I feel are not singularly mine. My fears are everyone’s fears. My battle is everyone’s battle. My hopes are everyone’s hopes. We desire because we’re human, and we’re human because we desire.

Something bigger than us. A life of happiness and joy. Loving, healthy relationships. Our dream job. A simple home. These are our destinations. These are our wants. If we’re not chasing after them ourselves, no one will. Perhaps that's incredibly naive of me to think, let alone say, but I think it's better than the alternative. When we stop desiring things, we stop existing. When we stop searching, we no longer gain anything.