when did everything change? when did i realize i want all of those things i swore off from the start? love, marriage, children. all of those things i was so certain were the last things on my mind. well, i can probably narrow it down to last august, seeing my nana almost die in a hospital surrounded by her family. or maybe it was turning 25. or maybe it was seeing one of my best friends decide to finally get married. am i just one of those girls who reach a certain age and realize my biological clock is catching up to me?
i think if i’m completely honest with myself, i’ve always wanted those things. somewhere in the back of my mind i knew i wanted to be in a loving relationship with someone who took the plunge with me and decided to live a life of dedication and devotion to one another. to raise a family. i think i’d make a good wife. i think i’d make a good mom. or at least i’d try like hell.
but i’m not stupid or naive about life. i know i would never do either of those things with someone who doesn’t believe in them as much, if not more than, i do. i know i want to have kids, but i also know kids need stability and that that’s not something i have to offer at this point in my life. i get that. but the more i think about life in general, the more unsure i get. am i going towards those goals? am i on the track i want to be on? is that even something i can be heading towards? love happens. life happen. sorrow happens. those are all things out of our control.
i’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. that’s a long time. i know him like i’ve never known anyone else. i feel like i know him more than i know myself, at times. yet the thought of a “forever” with him freaks me the fuck out. he’s the first guy i’ve ever been serious about. he’s the first guy i’ve ever let see me at my best and at my worst. he’s the first guy to know virtually everything about me. and he’s stuck around. but i’m still unsure about us. this has less to do with him than it has to do with how i’m naturally wired to be. i’m a skeptic to the very end. but i’m also human and the thought of being with only him for the rest of my life scares me. what if he’s the last person i ever have a first kiss with? what if he’s the first, only, and last person i ever have sex with? what if i never have those incredibly scary but thrilling intimate first impressions with anyone else? those late nights where you stay up until 3 in the morning talking on the phone unwilling to hang up because you can’t get enough of them. that feeling of an electric shock pulsating through your body when your knees accidentally brush up against each others for the first time. that moment when you say goodbye to them and both of you want to go in for a hug but are terrified to make a move. am i ok with those things coming to an end? am i ok with them never happening to me again? i’m not sure. and i don’t know if that uncertainty is certainty enough or if it’s normal to feel this way.
i’ve always gone for a calm and collected kind of guy. a guy that exudes confidence and coolness. guys who were overly into me never made me say, “now that guy makes me weak in the knees.” at the time, it was a conscious choice. the quiet guys were the ones i longed for. the ones who were impossible to read. this led to many years of heartache and uncertainty about myself. self-doubt and super-self-conscious habits overcame me. because the quiet guys don’t give you reassurance. something i soon realized i NEED to survive in a relationship. it turns out i do like being swooned over. i do like being fussed over. i do like being outwardly adored. and this has been one of the major hurdles in my current relationship. we aren’t a lovey-dovey couple (unless i’m drunk, in which case i can’t keep my hands off anything). we don’t outwardly express our love for one another. we’re different when it comes to expressing our love to even each other. and that’s been really hard for me. sometimes i need to feel wanted. i need someone to literally look me in my eyes and tell me they want me. i need for someone to look me straight in my eyes and tell me they love me. those are things i know about me now. and i didn’t necessarily know that about myself when i first met my boyfriend. he expects me to be able to know these unspoken assurances through his actions. he’s not the type to harp on anything, not even if it’s how pretty i look on any particular day. he just doesn’t verbalize many things in general, but that was one of the things i initially liked about him. ‘he’s quiet’ or ‘mysterious,’ were my thoughts. and that made him a challenge in my eyes. i never expected to fall in love with him. i never expected to need him the way that i do. i never expected to want him the way that i do. but loving him and needing him and wanting him doesn’t make our relationship easy, especially when you’re always unsure of where you stand because the other person just doesn’t show you in the tangible way you crave.
ok, another thing. i don’t expect relationships to be easy. maybe i did going into it, but that was before. and it was easy. as all relationships start out, until you get serious and realize you’re not just thinking about yourself anymore but also this other person. you want them to be happy, but you also want to be happy. but sometimes certain things agitate one person’s happiness and not the other’s. and as the internet constantly reminds me, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. and then you realize this slew of other things that don’t align with these relationship ideals you previously set forth. you realize that maybe you aren’t on the same page about everything and maybe you don’t want all of the same things as the other person. but you do know you still love the other person and don’t want to give up just yet. and that turns things into a huge mess of confusion. not all the time, but it’s always there. again, is this normal? like i said, this is the longest relationship i’ve ever been in. also, i’m a skeptic. still.
amongst all of the difficulties i continue asking myself, ‘is this worth it?’ and i’ve yet to come up with anything but a yes to that question. we’re never going to want all of the same things all of the time, but ultimately, i’m okay with that. right now, today, i’m okay with how things are. there is no one i trust so completely the way i trust him. i’ve never for a second doubted his devotion and loyalty to me. he gets along with all of my friends. he’s easy going, kind, and respectful. i don’t know a single person that has anything bad to say about him. my family loves him (moreso than they love me, it could be argued). he’s a perfect fit into my incredibly dysfunctional and complicated family. he’s understanding and nonjudgmental. and above all, he respects me and is kind. he’s never said anything to intentionally hurt me (or anyone else). he’s always giving people the benefit of the doubt (which i admit is incredibly annoying to me, who tends to do the opposite).
i don’t believe in “soulmates” or “the ones” because i’m not living in a romance novel, but i do believe in timing. and fortunately, we have that going for us. and i’m not a believer in “love is enough” because honestly sometimes it’s not. but when i look at us and what we’ve been through, i think of how lucky i am. i mean, i’m a pain in the ass and require a lot. and he’s always trying. and i can’t fault him for coming short sometimes, because he’s never not given me his all. sometimes (most times) i don’t think i’m worthy of someone like him, but that doesn’t mean i’m not going to try my hardest to earn that. i want to be better. he makes me want to be better. and not just to him, but to all people.
basically, life is hard. i know that. and my mom was right (as much as it pains me to admit), life is definitely not fair. but i’m going to keep on fighting and trying because that’s what it’s about, right? perseverance. struggle. sadness. happiness. if i give up or run away when times are hard, what kind of precedent am i setting for myself? if you love someone, you fight. you push against the current, especially if the reward is worth it. earning someone is better than winning a lottery. knowing i did the hard work it took to make things work is love. it’s sweat and tears, and never what you expect. but sometimes, that’s what makes it worthwhile. or at least that’s what i tell myself on days like this (skeptic). i’m just trying to believe in something that doesn’t come natural to me, and at times it seem impossible. maybe we’ll work out and maybe we wont, but at least i tried and put myself out there and gave love a real shot. and i’m learning from my mistakes. maybe someday, i’ll get all of those things i crave and desire. maybe someday i’ll be someone’s wife. maybe i’ll be a mother. maybe i’ll be a grandma. but for now, this is enough. for now, i’m earning my keep. for now, i have him.
