I Am Not Me Anymore

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art

This very blog is evidence enough of the role Keats has had in my life. My whole being is homage to the brilliant mind he was. This movie was visually beautiful and superbly executed. One of my all time favorites.

In Dreams, Emotions Are Overwhelming

I have decided to continue with scenes from my favorite movies. Whether they be scenes that make me laugh, cry, or just want to fall in love. Enjoy.

What Is Lost Is Lost

Nothing resonates with me more than Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.

A Number Of Irrational Fears

I have bones made of glass. As tough as my exterior seems, I am incredibly fragile. Instead of drawing strength from my past follies and misfortunes, I have grown weak and weary from them.

It's strange the way life comes and goes. How when one relationship ends, another begins. That is where I find myself these day. I am caught in new sets of roles. I have never been the best at dating, and so I've always been "the friend." That is a role I have been good at, I understand where my place is in that role. I know how to navigate feelings of others in the friend role. But as of lately, I have found myself falling for someone I did not ever see myself falling for. And I'm vulnerable again. I am insecure with myself. Certain feelings have been established, yet I continue to question the sincerity in them. I know what I want in a relationship, but my main question is whether or not I want that relationship to happen now. We are the same in so many way, in the ways that really matter. But I have this fear of messing things up. I want to get it right this time, I want things to last. Even if we decide that being in a romantic relationship isn't for us, I want us to remain friends. Because he gets me. He understands the way I work and doesn't push me to do or feel things I don't. He's gentle and kind. He balances me and challenges me. And I appreciate the time I have spent with him over the past months, even if nothing more than a friendship is to come of this. The point is, I'm glad to know him. I needed him at this point in my life.

Ordinary Life Is Pretty Complex Stuff

I know I say this a lot, but I have changed. So much of who I was has been lost over this past year and I have mourned that loss deeply. There are moments I wish I didn't have to endure and moments I wish I could hold on to just a bit longer. But even though it was a dark period in my life, I am happy for it.

I have learned so much about myself and what I desire. I know what I am doing now and I am going after what I want. There is nothing to hold me back anymore. I have closed the door to the me I was. And the me I am now is anxious for the world to be mine. I am anxious to meet new people and see new places. To get perspective on life and love.

I was reminded of all of this as I read through some old writings. It went: So much to think about. What happen to simpler days when life was about marshmallows and jump rope. They were so much fun, and just happier. But I guess that's life; ever changing, always moving. I suppose I like the change, because that is what makes up the grand things in life. Getting older, being able to do the things you always dreamed of doing as a little kid. Life is funny that way, we're all different; with different ideas and plans. I like that about life, the vast opportunities, the ones life tends to give to us. The ones we choose. How everything we do is just taking us down this journey, this journey we call "life." I like changing, becoming something new, reinventing oneself. It is the best part. I want to welcome the change, like the earth welcomes its seasons, like the night welcomes the day.

Either/Or

I, too, am bound in the same way by a chain formed of gloomy fancies, of alarming dreams, of troubled thoughts, of fearful presentiments, of inexplicable anxieties. The chain is very flexible, soft as silk, yields to the most powerful strain, and cannot be torn apart.