Loneliness Postponed

It’s hard for me to separate what I want and the reality of the world.

It can’t be that way. It’s simply a delusion. A delusion I’ve chosen to indulge in for the past few months. I don’t know why I become so involved in the things I cannot ever have. The people who cannot love me back. I see that now. Though, I fear it’s a little too late. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt. I thought I understood it all. But I was wrong and naïve to its possible extent. And all I feel is pain. Pain from what could have been, had circumstances been different. Had distance not been an issue. It’s a difficult pang of longing because it was never something I had in the first place. Instead, I’m left with the “what if?” of it all. The question I am doomed to contemplate forever. Perhaps time with lessen its weigh on my heart. Maybe I’ll be able to move on and look elsewhere for my needs. But part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me is afraid to let go. Let go of what, though? I never had him. Not really. I had the idea of him. The possibility of it all. The desire to be nearer to him than any other.

I got carried away. Despite incessantly reminding myself not to. I knew it’d turn out this way. In the back of my mind, I knew it all along. I just wasn’t prepared for it all. I never am.

Re-appropriate

"This world is a hand-me-down. It was given to us by our parents -- women and men much like ourselves. Human beings in love, human beings rejected, human beings hungry, restless, apathetic and hopeful: ever-changing, ever-adapting. Yes, the human soul is a bundle of conflicting desires. You want peace but you love excitement. You hate math but you want to graduate. You love your parents but they drive you crazy. Even our hopes are at odds with each other. The rent? The relationship? The career? The vacation? Our dreams rarely line up. It's messy stuff, but these are the raw materials that life has given you. You had no choice as to where your journey begins, but the choice is available to you now. You could argue that you didn't choose to be born, that there are factors of your existence over which you have little or no control. It's true, these are the contingencies we were born into. Your heart, your bones, your soul, your sexuality -- these were given to you. Given to you as a painter is given a canvas and a brush. Given to you as a sculptor is given a block of marble. St Francis of Assisi said that "He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist." Your artistry? Your craft? You are making a living.

Which is to say that you are the art. Your words, your haircut, your clothes, your actions -- these display your unique blend of past and present, desire and lack thereof, insecurity and purpose. You are the painting, and everyday you're painting yourself and the world around you."
-Jon Foreman
"Making A Living" via Huffington Post

Cracks in the Ceiling

I am hesitant to type up my feelings. I'm unsure of what they are, at the moment. I'm undergoing a constant stir of emotions. These sentences aren't flowing together, which I can see, but I don't know how else to word it. In fact, the wording closely mirrors my own lack of rhythm and easeful sense of mind.

Sometimes I can see happiness and I crave it. Or at least a sense of contentment. My heart cries for such a feeling of belonging, whether that be a figurative or literal interpretation of the notion. And the truth is, I can put on a decent facade of being blissful in moments. Others scarcely see the anguish in my heart. And it's in those moments that I feel the most misery. Fooling others is not what I want, but I also do not wish to raise concern and be thought of differently. Now, I'm not saying people think I'm a naturally "cheerful" person, but they also do not know the melancholic pangs of my heart. It is not something I want others to see because it is not something I enjoy talking about. Instead, I am thought of as unemotional and detached from human connections. Which is true, in a way, but there is so much more to that.

I think feelings are wasted on people. At least the people I've come in contact with. I think I live in a generation of meanness and conceit, two characteristic traits I've often fell subject to. I've always found the saying "you always hurt the ones you love the most" to ring true in all areas of my life. Normally, in these situations, I chalk it up to an oversensitive flaw in others, in an attempt to make myself feel like less of the culprit and more of the victim. However, I later see how my actions or words were at fault but all too late and to the detriment of a relationship. Being that I am stubborn and hesitant to acknowledge my wrongdoings, I continue life without that person I love. I have never had problems making a fool of myself, I scarcely need the help of others in that matter. But I have also found myself on the receiving end of hurtful words and wounding actions, as we all have. I won't delve into them because we've all been there and I will spare you the long ramblings of my wounded vanity.

And here I am, not exactly seeing what point there was at all to this particular post. I can neither draw it to a logical conclusion either. So I'll just end it here, with my self-absorbed, lonely, and selfish musings. Ugh! I hate myself!

A Sweet Absence

Once again, I find myself amidst an overwhelming shadow of sadness. The reasons are always the same. The results are always unresolved. Yet I seek an outlet to convey my gloominess. I want a solution to the entire thing.

I don't like being alone. Not this kind of alone. I sit in my room as the tears swell in my eyes, clouding my vision and mind with a heaviness. If I could take it all back, I'd take it all. Moments are painful. They are painful because they are fleeting.










Everything breaks my heart. Everything.

Lost Loves and Love's Lost

I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago, lately. We were discussing why, even after years, we still feel things for past loves. Why those wounds, though not prominent, are still present.

I chalked it down to the fluidity of love. That even when one relationship ends, those feelings may not end. I have always felt anger and bitterness towards my exes, even the ones I broke up with first. I feel like each one took a piece of me that I’ll never get back. And though quite some time has passed, I still find myself being angry and hateful. They knew a side of me that not many people know, a sensitive side I scarcely show to anyone. I felt feelings that were true and real then, but seem like a betrayal to myself now. And so I’ve always longed to get those back. Every word, every idea, every feeling. I want them because they were once exclusively mine, but are now shared memories to a love now lost. What once seemed so real and seemed so promising became a dead leaf on the ground being kicked around without any thought. The heart and soul you share with another person is now but a strange apparition in each person’s memory bank. That is why past loves hurt so much, no matter how many years go by. No matter how much you love even a current love, you feel pain and suffering. Because even though it’s over, it’s never over.

Clear as a Bell

It was all over before anything even began.

This time was different. I was different. My intentions and feelings were made clear, and things don't always happen that way. If there was ever a time I was most certain about how I felt, it was now. My heart was open and full of adoration for him. My world was his world. My every thought was him. I tried I make him smile. I tried to make him as happy as he could be. But I couldn't be his happiness. I couldn't be his world.

I am not upset or ashamed of my feelings, or even voicing them to him. I needed to say everything I said. I needed to have a clear answer to how he received my feelings. No games, no contrived words to seek a harmonious surface. But I lost. Things weren't in my favor.

Maybe one day he'll see. He'll wake up one morning and see just how much I cared for him. He'll see just how much I loved his flaws, and how all of his imperfections were perfection to me. How my willingness to sacrifice things was done for the better good of a potential "us." But I can't change him. I can't change his mind. And I don't want to. If someone does not desire to receive my affections, I do not desire to put anymore thought towards doing so. If I am not enough for someone, then I can move on.

The truth is, we were wrong for each other. Some things aren't worth fighting for. And he wasn't. He used me and broke my heart in the process. His feelings were always first, and mine were last. His time was not spent thinking of me as I thought of him, yet on frivolous matters. He was selfish and immature and judgmental. No matter what I did or said, nothing was good enough for him.

I have been able to remind myself of all the bad, not just the good. I see now that I deserve more than what he had to offer me. And although he may miss me, I know better than to put myself in a situation where I can be further hurt by him. My thoughts are no longer fixed on him. My world no longer revolves around his every word. There was a time that I would've done anything for him, but not anymore. Once my mind is made up, there is nothing to be done to change it.


My hopes and dreams are not yet lost. I cannot be everyone's, someone. I want to find someone that knows what they want. Someone that does not feel obligated to say or feel a certain way. Someone that is willing to sacrifice, if the need be. Someone that makes me want to change and become a better person, and who feels the same way. Someone that is willing to love all of my flaws, for there are many. Someone that is willing to listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. Someone that is willing to let me into their world, and someone who will come into mine with an open mind. Someone that challenges me. Someone that may not always understand, but seek to understand me and others. Someone that holds the same values to be true. Someone that likes my endless rambling and my silence. And I hope that one day I can find someone who is worthwhile. Not today or even tomorrow. But someday...

Chemically Imbalanced

It hurts.
What? I'm not entirely sure.

I feel as though I am falling. Falling to a slow and agonizing death. A death of the me I previously was. I feel hollow and uncertain of who I am now. I am so sure about others, but I have never taken the time to navigate myself. I feel like I'm a stranger. It's a weird and awful feeling to be in this place I am. This limbo. I have been broken and I don't know how I will go back to normal. I don't even know if normalcy is even going to be possible for me anymore. I am stuck in this rut. I go neither forward nor backwards.

And I am scared. I am scared to be happy. I am scared that I will be alone. I am scared of moving. I am scared of being seen. I am scared of opening up. I am scared of being hurt.

I don't recover easily. And as much as I put it off, I am hypersensitive. I feel things so deeply it hurts. I care too much and I don't know how to function right. I hide my feelings so that I can protect them. And I cry. I'm fragile and fray far too often. I wish I were stronger. I want to have the strength to pick myself back up again, but I am weak. I am beaten down by people that claim to care for me.

But I have some glimmer of hope, still. I have a desire to be whole again. And that is all that matters...

A Number Of Irrational Fears

I have bones made of glass. As tough as my exterior seems, I am incredibly fragile. Instead of drawing strength from my past follies and misfortunes, I have grown weak and weary from them.

It's strange the way life comes and goes. How when one relationship ends, another begins. That is where I find myself these day. I am caught in new sets of roles. I have never been the best at dating, and so I've always been "the friend." That is a role I have been good at, I understand where my place is in that role. I know how to navigate feelings of others in the friend role. But as of lately, I have found myself falling for someone I did not ever see myself falling for. And I'm vulnerable again. I am insecure with myself. Certain feelings have been established, yet I continue to question the sincerity in them. I know what I want in a relationship, but my main question is whether or not I want that relationship to happen now. We are the same in so many way, in the ways that really matter. But I have this fear of messing things up. I want to get it right this time, I want things to last. Even if we decide that being in a romantic relationship isn't for us, I want us to remain friends. Because he gets me. He understands the way I work and doesn't push me to do or feel things I don't. He's gentle and kind. He balances me and challenges me. And I appreciate the time I have spent with him over the past months, even if nothing more than a friendship is to come of this. The point is, I'm glad to know him. I needed him at this point in my life.

Ordinary Life Is Pretty Complex Stuff

I know I say this a lot, but I have changed. So much of who I was has been lost over this past year and I have mourned that loss deeply. There are moments I wish I didn't have to endure and moments I wish I could hold on to just a bit longer. But even though it was a dark period in my life, I am happy for it.

I have learned so much about myself and what I desire. I know what I am doing now and I am going after what I want. There is nothing to hold me back anymore. I have closed the door to the me I was. And the me I am now is anxious for the world to be mine. I am anxious to meet new people and see new places. To get perspective on life and love.

I was reminded of all of this as I read through some old writings. It went: So much to think about. What happen to simpler days when life was about marshmallows and jump rope. They were so much fun, and just happier. But I guess that's life; ever changing, always moving. I suppose I like the change, because that is what makes up the grand things in life. Getting older, being able to do the things you always dreamed of doing as a little kid. Life is funny that way, we're all different; with different ideas and plans. I like that about life, the vast opportunities, the ones life tends to give to us. The ones we choose. How everything we do is just taking us down this journey, this journey we call "life." I like changing, becoming something new, reinventing oneself. It is the best part. I want to welcome the change, like the earth welcomes its seasons, like the night welcomes the day.

A State of Temporary Bereavement

I picked a color long ago
To suit my tawdry tales of woe
And now it doesn’t fit

My friend who’s a fan of shades
Travelled to the Everglades
And asked if I’d come with

There’s no one I would rather see
He’s a special friend to me
But I feel I’d be leaving you behind

That’s the game of love and war
Choose a side you’re fighting for
And see if there’s a white flag to be raised

I know it’s not a fair assessment
But I can’t be asked to wrestle
with the colors of who you’ve now become

Cause you and I are not the same
And neither can be held to blame
It’s just the way the story has to end

Being here or being there
There’s no space for being where
I feel I should be

Loneliness is like a drink
You think you’re on the verge of sinking
when you take the sea

Inter-rooms are good for suckers
Feeling like they’re down on luck
And I’m not gonna drown in my own tears

I can’t ask you anymore
To be the one that I adore
Only when the time is right for me

So let’s just be…

Finding Refuge

When things get tough, we run home. We take shelter under our place of resting to regain what has been depleted.

And yet, it is hard for me to settle. I cannot find the place in which I can call home. I cannot find the place that calms me and fills me with joy. The refuge I seek is not yet a reality.

But one day, I will find that place I belong.