Loneliness Postponed

It’s hard for me to separate what I want and the reality of the world.

It can’t be that way. It’s simply a delusion. A delusion I’ve chosen to indulge in for the past few months. I don’t know why I become so involved in the things I cannot ever have. The people who cannot love me back. I see that now. Though, I fear it’s a little too late. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt. I thought I understood it all. But I was wrong and naïve to its possible extent. And all I feel is pain. Pain from what could have been, had circumstances been different. Had distance not been an issue. It’s a difficult pang of longing because it was never something I had in the first place. Instead, I’m left with the “what if?” of it all. The question I am doomed to contemplate forever. Perhaps time with lessen its weigh on my heart. Maybe I’ll be able to move on and look elsewhere for my needs. But part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me is afraid to let go. Let go of what, though? I never had him. Not really. I had the idea of him. The possibility of it all. The desire to be nearer to him than any other.

I got carried away. Despite incessantly reminding myself not to. I knew it’d turn out this way. In the back of my mind, I knew it all along. I just wasn’t prepared for it all. I never am.

Cracks in the Ceiling

I am hesitant to type up my feelings. I'm unsure of what they are, at the moment. I'm undergoing a constant stir of emotions. These sentences aren't flowing together, which I can see, but I don't know how else to word it. In fact, the wording closely mirrors my own lack of rhythm and easeful sense of mind.

Sometimes I can see happiness and I crave it. Or at least a sense of contentment. My heart cries for such a feeling of belonging, whether that be a figurative or literal interpretation of the notion. And the truth is, I can put on a decent facade of being blissful in moments. Others scarcely see the anguish in my heart. And it's in those moments that I feel the most misery. Fooling others is not what I want, but I also do not wish to raise concern and be thought of differently. Now, I'm not saying people think I'm a naturally "cheerful" person, but they also do not know the melancholic pangs of my heart. It is not something I want others to see because it is not something I enjoy talking about. Instead, I am thought of as unemotional and detached from human connections. Which is true, in a way, but there is so much more to that.

I think feelings are wasted on people. At least the people I've come in contact with. I think I live in a generation of meanness and conceit, two characteristic traits I've often fell subject to. I've always found the saying "you always hurt the ones you love the most" to ring true in all areas of my life. Normally, in these situations, I chalk it up to an oversensitive flaw in others, in an attempt to make myself feel like less of the culprit and more of the victim. However, I later see how my actions or words were at fault but all too late and to the detriment of a relationship. Being that I am stubborn and hesitant to acknowledge my wrongdoings, I continue life without that person I love. I have never had problems making a fool of myself, I scarcely need the help of others in that matter. But I have also found myself on the receiving end of hurtful words and wounding actions, as we all have. I won't delve into them because we've all been there and I will spare you the long ramblings of my wounded vanity.

And here I am, not exactly seeing what point there was at all to this particular post. I can neither draw it to a logical conclusion either. So I'll just end it here, with my self-absorbed, lonely, and selfish musings. Ugh! I hate myself!

A Sweet Absence

Once again, I find myself amidst an overwhelming shadow of sadness. The reasons are always the same. The results are always unresolved. Yet I seek an outlet to convey my gloominess. I want a solution to the entire thing.

I don't like being alone. Not this kind of alone. I sit in my room as the tears swell in my eyes, clouding my vision and mind with a heaviness. If I could take it all back, I'd take it all. Moments are painful. They are painful because they are fleeting.










Everything breaks my heart. Everything.

Lost Loves and Love's Lost

I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago, lately. We were discussing why, even after years, we still feel things for past loves. Why those wounds, though not prominent, are still present.

I chalked it down to the fluidity of love. That even when one relationship ends, those feelings may not end. I have always felt anger and bitterness towards my exes, even the ones I broke up with first. I feel like each one took a piece of me that I’ll never get back. And though quite some time has passed, I still find myself being angry and hateful. They knew a side of me that not many people know, a sensitive side I scarcely show to anyone. I felt feelings that were true and real then, but seem like a betrayal to myself now. And so I’ve always longed to get those back. Every word, every idea, every feeling. I want them because they were once exclusively mine, but are now shared memories to a love now lost. What once seemed so real and seemed so promising became a dead leaf on the ground being kicked around without any thought. The heart and soul you share with another person is now but a strange apparition in each person’s memory bank. That is why past loves hurt so much, no matter how many years go by. No matter how much you love even a current love, you feel pain and suffering. Because even though it’s over, it’s never over.

Clear as a Bell

It was all over before anything even began.

This time was different. I was different. My intentions and feelings were made clear, and things don't always happen that way. If there was ever a time I was most certain about how I felt, it was now. My heart was open and full of adoration for him. My world was his world. My every thought was him. I tried I make him smile. I tried to make him as happy as he could be. But I couldn't be his happiness. I couldn't be his world.

I am not upset or ashamed of my feelings, or even voicing them to him. I needed to say everything I said. I needed to have a clear answer to how he received my feelings. No games, no contrived words to seek a harmonious surface. But I lost. Things weren't in my favor.

Maybe one day he'll see. He'll wake up one morning and see just how much I cared for him. He'll see just how much I loved his flaws, and how all of his imperfections were perfection to me. How my willingness to sacrifice things was done for the better good of a potential "us." But I can't change him. I can't change his mind. And I don't want to. If someone does not desire to receive my affections, I do not desire to put anymore thought towards doing so. If I am not enough for someone, then I can move on.

The truth is, we were wrong for each other. Some things aren't worth fighting for. And he wasn't. He used me and broke my heart in the process. His feelings were always first, and mine were last. His time was not spent thinking of me as I thought of him, yet on frivolous matters. He was selfish and immature and judgmental. No matter what I did or said, nothing was good enough for him.

I have been able to remind myself of all the bad, not just the good. I see now that I deserve more than what he had to offer me. And although he may miss me, I know better than to put myself in a situation where I can be further hurt by him. My thoughts are no longer fixed on him. My world no longer revolves around his every word. There was a time that I would've done anything for him, but not anymore. Once my mind is made up, there is nothing to be done to change it.


My hopes and dreams are not yet lost. I cannot be everyone's, someone. I want to find someone that knows what they want. Someone that does not feel obligated to say or feel a certain way. Someone that is willing to sacrifice, if the need be. Someone that makes me want to change and become a better person, and who feels the same way. Someone that is willing to love all of my flaws, for there are many. Someone that is willing to listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. Someone that is willing to let me into their world, and someone who will come into mine with an open mind. Someone that challenges me. Someone that may not always understand, but seek to understand me and others. Someone that holds the same values to be true. Someone that likes my endless rambling and my silence. And I hope that one day I can find someone who is worthwhile. Not today or even tomorrow. But someday...