Loneliness Postponed

It’s hard for me to separate what I want and the reality of the world.

It can’t be that way. It’s simply a delusion. A delusion I’ve chosen to indulge in for the past few months. I don’t know why I become so involved in the things I cannot ever have. The people who cannot love me back. I see that now. Though, I fear it’s a little too late. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt. I thought I understood it all. But I was wrong and naïve to its possible extent. And all I feel is pain. Pain from what could have been, had circumstances been different. Had distance not been an issue. It’s a difficult pang of longing because it was never something I had in the first place. Instead, I’m left with the “what if?” of it all. The question I am doomed to contemplate forever. Perhaps time with lessen its weigh on my heart. Maybe I’ll be able to move on and look elsewhere for my needs. But part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me is afraid to let go. Let go of what, though? I never had him. Not really. I had the idea of him. The possibility of it all. The desire to be nearer to him than any other.

I got carried away. Despite incessantly reminding myself not to. I knew it’d turn out this way. In the back of my mind, I knew it all along. I just wasn’t prepared for it all. I never am.

The "Love" Thing

I don't know why I continually do this to myself.

I was reading through old blogs and journals and I seriously want to kill myself now. LOVE, EW! I used to be so romantic and gross stuff like that. I am so glad I've moved on from that phase. But I am thoroughly impressed with the pretty things I wrote for guys. If it wasn't me, I probably would've loved that shit. The sad truth is, I love love. I love it so much. But when it's me, I'd rather not have any part in it.

Lost Loves and Love's Lost

I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago, lately. We were discussing why, even after years, we still feel things for past loves. Why those wounds, though not prominent, are still present.

I chalked it down to the fluidity of love. That even when one relationship ends, those feelings may not end. I have always felt anger and bitterness towards my exes, even the ones I broke up with first. I feel like each one took a piece of me that I’ll never get back. And though quite some time has passed, I still find myself being angry and hateful. They knew a side of me that not many people know, a sensitive side I scarcely show to anyone. I felt feelings that were true and real then, but seem like a betrayal to myself now. And so I’ve always longed to get those back. Every word, every idea, every feeling. I want them because they were once exclusively mine, but are now shared memories to a love now lost. What once seemed so real and seemed so promising became a dead leaf on the ground being kicked around without any thought. The heart and soul you share with another person is now but a strange apparition in each person’s memory bank. That is why past loves hurt so much, no matter how many years go by. No matter how much you love even a current love, you feel pain and suffering. Because even though it’s over, it’s never over.

Clear as a Bell

It was all over before anything even began.

This time was different. I was different. My intentions and feelings were made clear, and things don't always happen that way. If there was ever a time I was most certain about how I felt, it was now. My heart was open and full of adoration for him. My world was his world. My every thought was him. I tried I make him smile. I tried to make him as happy as he could be. But I couldn't be his happiness. I couldn't be his world.

I am not upset or ashamed of my feelings, or even voicing them to him. I needed to say everything I said. I needed to have a clear answer to how he received my feelings. No games, no contrived words to seek a harmonious surface. But I lost. Things weren't in my favor.

Maybe one day he'll see. He'll wake up one morning and see just how much I cared for him. He'll see just how much I loved his flaws, and how all of his imperfections were perfection to me. How my willingness to sacrifice things was done for the better good of a potential "us." But I can't change him. I can't change his mind. And I don't want to. If someone does not desire to receive my affections, I do not desire to put anymore thought towards doing so. If I am not enough for someone, then I can move on.

The truth is, we were wrong for each other. Some things aren't worth fighting for. And he wasn't. He used me and broke my heart in the process. His feelings were always first, and mine were last. His time was not spent thinking of me as I thought of him, yet on frivolous matters. He was selfish and immature and judgmental. No matter what I did or said, nothing was good enough for him.

I have been able to remind myself of all the bad, not just the good. I see now that I deserve more than what he had to offer me. And although he may miss me, I know better than to put myself in a situation where I can be further hurt by him. My thoughts are no longer fixed on him. My world no longer revolves around his every word. There was a time that I would've done anything for him, but not anymore. Once my mind is made up, there is nothing to be done to change it.


My hopes and dreams are not yet lost. I cannot be everyone's, someone. I want to find someone that knows what they want. Someone that does not feel obligated to say or feel a certain way. Someone that is willing to sacrifice, if the need be. Someone that makes me want to change and become a better person, and who feels the same way. Someone that is willing to love all of my flaws, for there are many. Someone that is willing to listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. Someone that is willing to let me into their world, and someone who will come into mine with an open mind. Someone that challenges me. Someone that may not always understand, but seek to understand me and others. Someone that holds the same values to be true. Someone that likes my endless rambling and my silence. And I hope that one day I can find someone who is worthwhile. Not today or even tomorrow. But someday...

A Number Of Irrational Fears

I have bones made of glass. As tough as my exterior seems, I am incredibly fragile. Instead of drawing strength from my past follies and misfortunes, I have grown weak and weary from them.

It's strange the way life comes and goes. How when one relationship ends, another begins. That is where I find myself these day. I am caught in new sets of roles. I have never been the best at dating, and so I've always been "the friend." That is a role I have been good at, I understand where my place is in that role. I know how to navigate feelings of others in the friend role. But as of lately, I have found myself falling for someone I did not ever see myself falling for. And I'm vulnerable again. I am insecure with myself. Certain feelings have been established, yet I continue to question the sincerity in them. I know what I want in a relationship, but my main question is whether or not I want that relationship to happen now. We are the same in so many way, in the ways that really matter. But I have this fear of messing things up. I want to get it right this time, I want things to last. Even if we decide that being in a romantic relationship isn't for us, I want us to remain friends. Because he gets me. He understands the way I work and doesn't push me to do or feel things I don't. He's gentle and kind. He balances me and challenges me. And I appreciate the time I have spent with him over the past months, even if nothing more than a friendship is to come of this. The point is, I'm glad to know him. I needed him at this point in my life.

Ordinary Life Is Pretty Complex Stuff

I know I say this a lot, but I have changed. So much of who I was has been lost over this past year and I have mourned that loss deeply. There are moments I wish I didn't have to endure and moments I wish I could hold on to just a bit longer. But even though it was a dark period in my life, I am happy for it.

I have learned so much about myself and what I desire. I know what I am doing now and I am going after what I want. There is nothing to hold me back anymore. I have closed the door to the me I was. And the me I am now is anxious for the world to be mine. I am anxious to meet new people and see new places. To get perspective on life and love.

I was reminded of all of this as I read through some old writings. It went: So much to think about. What happen to simpler days when life was about marshmallows and jump rope. They were so much fun, and just happier. But I guess that's life; ever changing, always moving. I suppose I like the change, because that is what makes up the grand things in life. Getting older, being able to do the things you always dreamed of doing as a little kid. Life is funny that way, we're all different; with different ideas and plans. I like that about life, the vast opportunities, the ones life tends to give to us. The ones we choose. How everything we do is just taking us down this journey, this journey we call "life." I like changing, becoming something new, reinventing oneself. It is the best part. I want to welcome the change, like the earth welcomes its seasons, like the night welcomes the day.