Clear as a Bell

It was all over before anything even began.

This time was different. I was different. My intentions and feelings were made clear, and things don't always happen that way. If there was ever a time I was most certain about how I felt, it was now. My heart was open and full of adoration for him. My world was his world. My every thought was him. I tried I make him smile. I tried to make him as happy as he could be. But I couldn't be his happiness. I couldn't be his world.

I am not upset or ashamed of my feelings, or even voicing them to him. I needed to say everything I said. I needed to have a clear answer to how he received my feelings. No games, no contrived words to seek a harmonious surface. But I lost. Things weren't in my favor.

Maybe one day he'll see. He'll wake up one morning and see just how much I cared for him. He'll see just how much I loved his flaws, and how all of his imperfections were perfection to me. How my willingness to sacrifice things was done for the better good of a potential "us." But I can't change him. I can't change his mind. And I don't want to. If someone does not desire to receive my affections, I do not desire to put anymore thought towards doing so. If I am not enough for someone, then I can move on.

The truth is, we were wrong for each other. Some things aren't worth fighting for. And he wasn't. He used me and broke my heart in the process. His feelings were always first, and mine were last. His time was not spent thinking of me as I thought of him, yet on frivolous matters. He was selfish and immature and judgmental. No matter what I did or said, nothing was good enough for him.

I have been able to remind myself of all the bad, not just the good. I see now that I deserve more than what he had to offer me. And although he may miss me, I know better than to put myself in a situation where I can be further hurt by him. My thoughts are no longer fixed on him. My world no longer revolves around his every word. There was a time that I would've done anything for him, but not anymore. Once my mind is made up, there is nothing to be done to change it.


My hopes and dreams are not yet lost. I cannot be everyone's, someone. I want to find someone that knows what they want. Someone that does not feel obligated to say or feel a certain way. Someone that is willing to sacrifice, if the need be. Someone that makes me want to change and become a better person, and who feels the same way. Someone that is willing to love all of my flaws, for there are many. Someone that is willing to listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. Someone that is willing to let me into their world, and someone who will come into mine with an open mind. Someone that challenges me. Someone that may not always understand, but seek to understand me and others. Someone that holds the same values to be true. Someone that likes my endless rambling and my silence. And I hope that one day I can find someone who is worthwhile. Not today or even tomorrow. But someday...

My Bermuda Triangle

I am so sick of me and my problems.

I am so tired of being used and stepped on by those I care about. Why is it that I care for those people that continually show their lack of care for me?

I hate that I feel these things. I don't want to be ignored anymore. I want my feelings to be put first, for once. I can't stand that I would do anything for you. I would jump if you said jump. I would give my world to be a part of yours. I revolve around you and I hang of every word you say. I miss you more than I could ever attempt to express. When you are around me, everything is you. I don't have a care in the world because you are there with me. I hate that everytime I wake up, I wait for you. I can't stand you! You drive me crazy! Yet I cannot resist you.