Since my earliest childhood a barb of sorrow has lodged in my heart. As long as it stays I am ironic -- if it is pulled out I shall die.

Chocolate Dreams

I hardly know where I stand; how I’m perceived; what I believe in; who I am becoming. But the journey to those answers feels astonishing.

As adults, we’re expected to know things. We’re expected to have a steady job, healthy relationships, and ambitious hopes for the future. We’re supposed to exude confidence and maturity in the things we do, yet express modesty and easefulness in doing them. That’s the status-quo. That’s what we see in our parents and our parent’s parents. To live up to a high standard of existence. Yet, I struggle with all those things, and more. Though the government may legally consider me an “adult,” I lack many qualities adults are expected to have. I feel young. I feel unsure. I feel unprepared.

I received a letter from my dear cousin, recently, that set me at ease. In the letter he said:
I am in my mid-adult years and barely realizing that I do not know exactly what I look like. All these years have I taken for granted the image I portray through the façade of a smoke-screen and distorted mirror. My vision has been limited to only see its reflection through the bias of deception, manipulation, and fear. But I can now begin to see untainted. And as I peer at myself, I am drawn especially to the eyes. Careful examination surfaces fear yet bravery; failure yet victory; confusion yet knowing; regret yet contentment; anxiety yet peace. This duality has encouraged and fueled a battle that has become my ultimate struggle.

See, the things I feel are not singularly mine. My fears are everyone’s fears. My battle is everyone’s battle. My hopes are everyone’s hopes. We desire because we’re human, and we’re human because we desire.

Something bigger than us. A life of happiness and joy. Loving, healthy relationships. Our dream job. A simple home. These are our destinations. These are our wants. If we’re not chasing after them ourselves, no one will. Perhaps that's incredibly naive of me to think, let alone say, but I think it's better than the alternative. When we stop desiring things, we stop existing. When we stop searching, we no longer gain anything.

Mistrust, Rejection, Insult

Paraphrased. But still something I need to remind myself of when I'm in a rut.

I am a human being, and I have a human being's wants: I must not linger where there is nothing to supply them.

The "Love" Thing

I don't know why I continually do this to myself.

I was reading through old blogs and journals and I seriously want to kill myself now. LOVE, EW! I used to be so romantic and gross stuff like that. I am so glad I've moved on from that phase. But I am thoroughly impressed with the pretty things I wrote for guys. If it wasn't me, I probably would've loved that shit. The sad truth is, I love love. I love it so much. But when it's me, I'd rather not have any part in it.

Re-appropriate

"This world is a hand-me-down. It was given to us by our parents -- women and men much like ourselves. Human beings in love, human beings rejected, human beings hungry, restless, apathetic and hopeful: ever-changing, ever-adapting. Yes, the human soul is a bundle of conflicting desires. You want peace but you love excitement. You hate math but you want to graduate. You love your parents but they drive you crazy. Even our hopes are at odds with each other. The rent? The relationship? The career? The vacation? Our dreams rarely line up. It's messy stuff, but these are the raw materials that life has given you. You had no choice as to where your journey begins, but the choice is available to you now. You could argue that you didn't choose to be born, that there are factors of your existence over which you have little or no control. It's true, these are the contingencies we were born into. Your heart, your bones, your soul, your sexuality -- these were given to you. Given to you as a painter is given a canvas and a brush. Given to you as a sculptor is given a block of marble. St Francis of Assisi said that "He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist." Your artistry? Your craft? You are making a living.

Which is to say that you are the art. Your words, your haircut, your clothes, your actions -- these display your unique blend of past and present, desire and lack thereof, insecurity and purpose. You are the painting, and everyday you're painting yourself and the world around you."
-Jon Foreman
"Making A Living" via Huffington Post

Joni Mitchell

Singing the songs of my heart. Forever and always.

Bon Iver, Bon Iver

I've listened to the newest Bon Iver album going on 10+ times. Heavily mulling over the music and lyrics in an attempt to come to a decisive conclusion on it. It's hard for me to come to that conclusion at all though, because I feel like decisions like these are best made when I'm able to discuss the album with someone else who's also spent a good amount of time with it as well. I do, however, enjoy what is provided in the 10 tracks. Though I feel this album is pretty drastically different from Bon Iver's previous stuff, it's still true to their distinctive sound and feel. I, honestly, did not find a standout track on this album like I was able to find on their previous releases ("Re:Stacks", "Blood Bank". Hard to beat those tracks), which was fairly unfortunate. But, I will say, "Michicant" has resonated somewhere within me. And honestly, I have been going back and forth between "Holocene" and "Wash." and cannot decide which one I like better. Ever changing because I find them both to be so beautiful, in different ways. Lyric-wise, if you don't have the lyrics right in front of you, it's damn near impossible to understand a word that is being sung. But that is something we can all appreciate about Justin Vernon. His music transcends words, in many ways, I think.

Below, I will provide you with a list of the songs in the order in which they rank in my own (highly subjective) opinion.

1. Michicant - I'm a sucker for nostalgia, and this song is so nostalgic, I want to cry. Memories, O sweet memories! The chimes take it home though, chiming their way into a very cold heart.
2. Holocene - I feel as though this is a song that reminds me why I started loving Bon Iver in the first place. With a chorus line that nears perfection, "...and at once I knew I was not magnificent". Singing for all lost souls out there only to bring it back with a sweetly sung "I could see for miles, miles, miles".
3. Wash. - Piano driven ballads are kind of a soft spot of mine. Ones that are reminiscent of Christmas/Wintertime are even more near and dear to me. And that's what this is for me. A return to that old cabin in Wisconsin, Justin. Favorite lyric: "I’m telling darkness from lines on you"
4. Perth - Distorted guitar intro. Marching drum beats. Harmonies echoing in the background. Bright feelings. Most reminiscent of For Emma, Forever Ago.
5. Towers - Probably one of the most upbeat songs I've ever heard from Bon Iver, yet it manages to retain a tinge of sadness. Obviously right up my alley.
6. Calgary - Let it be known, I was undecided on this particular song (being that is was the first thing I heard off of this album). As I've listened more and more to it, I do believe it is very deceiving. After hearing the entire album though, this song makes more sense to me. And I appreciate it. Hell, I enjoy it. A lot.
7. Hinnom, TX - So much 80's pop synths. So much so, that I thought I'd hate it. But the way Vernon sings in that baritone voice (I did that right, yeah? It's a baritone, right?) of his just KILLS me! In the best way possible, I assure you.
8. Beth/Rest - I will not lie, I had the hardest time coming to terms with this song. It's so early 80s, contemporary christian pop to me, I sometimes did not know how to take it. The keys remind me so much of what you'd hear in a church worship team (believe me, I've heard these same keys growing up going to church every Sunday). But the high falsettos, the sax and the smoothness of that guitar manages to sound like, straight up, 80s sex. I think that is why this song confuses me so much, actually. Sex and church are a weird combination. Destroyer, of course, has this smooth 80's thing down though, Regardless of who did what better, I still think this song is ridiculously weird, in a strangely amazing way.
9. Minnesota, WI - The acoustic guitar solo, with the mixture of some banjo. Love that. And the "Never gonna break"'s are fantastic and wonderful. Definitely a great jam, once the second half sets in.
10. Lisbon, OH - This is only last because it's an instrumental track. And, though I have nothing against purely instrumental tracks (some of them can actually be my favorite things on the album) this one is somewhat of a throw-away for me. Which pains me to say.

Cracks in the Ceiling

I am hesitant to type up my feelings. I'm unsure of what they are, at the moment. I'm undergoing a constant stir of emotions. These sentences aren't flowing together, which I can see, but I don't know how else to word it. In fact, the wording closely mirrors my own lack of rhythm and easeful sense of mind.

Sometimes I can see happiness and I crave it. Or at least a sense of contentment. My heart cries for such a feeling of belonging, whether that be a figurative or literal interpretation of the notion. And the truth is, I can put on a decent facade of being blissful in moments. Others scarcely see the anguish in my heart. And it's in those moments that I feel the most misery. Fooling others is not what I want, but I also do not wish to raise concern and be thought of differently. Now, I'm not saying people think I'm a naturally "cheerful" person, but they also do not know the melancholic pangs of my heart. It is not something I want others to see because it is not something I enjoy talking about. Instead, I am thought of as unemotional and detached from human connections. Which is true, in a way, but there is so much more to that.

I think feelings are wasted on people. At least the people I've come in contact with. I think I live in a generation of meanness and conceit, two characteristic traits I've often fell subject to. I've always found the saying "you always hurt the ones you love the most" to ring true in all areas of my life. Normally, in these situations, I chalk it up to an oversensitive flaw in others, in an attempt to make myself feel like less of the culprit and more of the victim. However, I later see how my actions or words were at fault but all too late and to the detriment of a relationship. Being that I am stubborn and hesitant to acknowledge my wrongdoings, I continue life without that person I love. I have never had problems making a fool of myself, I scarcely need the help of others in that matter. But I have also found myself on the receiving end of hurtful words and wounding actions, as we all have. I won't delve into them because we've all been there and I will spare you the long ramblings of my wounded vanity.

And here I am, not exactly seeing what point there was at all to this particular post. I can neither draw it to a logical conclusion either. So I'll just end it here, with my self-absorbed, lonely, and selfish musings. Ugh! I hate myself!

A Sweet Absence

Once again, I find myself amidst an overwhelming shadow of sadness. The reasons are always the same. The results are always unresolved. Yet I seek an outlet to convey my gloominess. I want a solution to the entire thing.

I don't like being alone. Not this kind of alone. I sit in my room as the tears swell in my eyes, clouding my vision and mind with a heaviness. If I could take it all back, I'd take it all. Moments are painful. They are painful because they are fleeting.










Everything breaks my heart. Everything.

Lost Loves and Love's Lost

I have been mulling over a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago, lately. We were discussing why, even after years, we still feel things for past loves. Why those wounds, though not prominent, are still present.

I chalked it down to the fluidity of love. That even when one relationship ends, those feelings may not end. I have always felt anger and bitterness towards my exes, even the ones I broke up with first. I feel like each one took a piece of me that I’ll never get back. And though quite some time has passed, I still find myself being angry and hateful. They knew a side of me that not many people know, a sensitive side I scarcely show to anyone. I felt feelings that were true and real then, but seem like a betrayal to myself now. And so I’ve always longed to get those back. Every word, every idea, every feeling. I want them because they were once exclusively mine, but are now shared memories to a love now lost. What once seemed so real and seemed so promising became a dead leaf on the ground being kicked around without any thought. The heart and soul you share with another person is now but a strange apparition in each person’s memory bank. That is why past loves hurt so much, no matter how many years go by. No matter how much you love even a current love, you feel pain and suffering. Because even though it’s over, it’s never over.

Me, Me, Me

I have neglected to write in awhile. In this forum, anyway. So here is goes, my routine check up.

Self, present. Feelings, present. Mental ability to type, present.

Let’s see, the last time I wrote in this, I was sad. Poor, poor me. There is never a time that I’m not sad, in some way or another. Lately, I’ve been happy though. I’m happy with school. I’m happy with work (as happy as I could be with it, anyway). I’m happy with my family. I’m happy with my friendships. Etc. These things are all central to my life, at the moment. I want this feeling to last, to be honest.

Where do I seek solace? I seek it in things that have brought me joy. Those things being:
TV
Coffee dates with friends
Conversations
Ironic irony
Pithy banter via text
Twitter (RT, DM, FF)
Les Miserables
Lists

The point being, I’m in a good place. I feel as though I’m thriving off of the awkward situations I put myself into, and I’m learning how to handle my outward neurosis on matters. YAY ME!!!!!

Decade List

I told myself a million times that I wouldn't make a "decade" list, but as I was going through all of the music I've collected over the past 10 years, and I began organizing them into a series of favorites. Although I'm missing many albums on this list (remind me of them, if you notice what's missing) I've tried to remember what albums specifically had a way with me. And this is all I could come up with. Curse my need to arrange things in groups and lists, but here it is. If you must know why I picked a certain album over another, just ask.


10. Twin Cinema The New Pornographers (2005)
9. O Damien Rice (2002)
8. Veckatimest Grizzly Bear (2009)
7. Fox Confessor Brings The Flood Neko Case (2006)
6. Funeral Arcade Fire (2004)
5. Fleet Foxes Fleet Foxes (2008)
4. Illinois Sufjan Stevens (2005)
3. Takk... Sigur Ros (2005)
2. Kid A Radiohead (2000)
1. For Emma, Forever Ago Bon Iver (2007)

Others:
In Rainbows Radiohead (2007)
Get Behind Me Satan The White Stripes (2005)
Feels Animal Collective (2005)
Future Sex/Love Sounds Justin Timberlake (2006)
Destroyer's Rubies Destroyer (2006)
Seven Swans Sufjan Stevens (2004)
Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Spoon (2007)
All Hour Cymbals Yeasayer (2007)