A Glimpse Into A Troubled Soul

Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to say. And it is in those times that I am most sad. It is this defect I have, one that prevents me from communicating at all.

I suffer from severe bouts of depression. It goes untreated most of the time, because I believe I can surpass these episodes without any help. And the reason I feel that way is because I've been doing so all of my life. It is easier for me to pass these times by in solitude where no one tries to make me feel better or tell me what i'm feeling is unfounded. It is a feeling of complete desolation that keeps me from falling even further into a dark abyss of sorrow and pain. If you have never experienced depression, I will try and explain how it feels. As far as feelings go, sometimes there aren't any. At times, I only feel sad and helpless. It is as if the whole world is crashing down on me and I have no motivation to pick myself up again. Or feeling as though you are suffocating, or screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you. Imagine yourself drowning and not even having the strength or will to kick yourself to the top again. That is how it feels at time.

I know there is no shame in saying you have a problem and need help. But I can't bring myself to doing that. Sometimes, I just need someone to talk to. It's therapeutic, in a way. Just someone that can listen and not tell me what I should be feeling. Someone who can understand the delicate state I am in, in my darkest hours. And other times, I want to just be left alone. Because there are a lot of things I can't talk about. Or won't talk about with people who won't understand because depression isn't something anyone, who hasn't experienced it, can grasp. It doesn't just affect those with difficult lives or circumstances. It can happen to even those who live a perfectly fine life.

I guess I should seek help and guidance, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. The help that is available to me can't help me in the way I need to be helped. I don't want to shut people out, but it is an issue that not a lot of people understand. And if one does not understand, there isn't much they can do to help at all. The only thing that happens in more suffering.

We're In Over Our Heads

Surely it is not the thoughts, but the manner in which they are expressed. That is what makes a person a good writer.

It's just such a sad thing to know that, practically, every thought one thinks is unoriginal. It has all been said before. Many times. Infinitely better than I could ever say it myself, even. But the talent is really how one says it. How they can connect with a reader. To make someone, somewhere feel something. Whether it be anger, sadness, or laughter. As long as it can touch someone. Just once.

As a writer, that is what I want. Not that I can technically be considered a writer. But as someone who writes from within, I want something to resonate with someone. Anything. Because then it will all be worth it.

Finding Refuge

When things get tough, we run home. We take shelter under our place of resting to regain what has been depleted.

And yet, it is hard for me to settle. I cannot find the place in which I can call home. I cannot find the place that calms me and fills me with joy. The refuge I seek is not yet a reality.

But one day, I will find that place I belong.