Felicity Porter

So, as we approach the winter season, I reflect upon all of my favorite "winter things." And one of those things is the series, Felicity. I loved everything about that series, as it was and continues to chronicle my own life of awkwardness and neurosis. Felicity is the single most character I can relate to. And watching her live through the highs and lows of college, love, and friendships is a great way to spend a Friday, winter evening. Cheers to wonderfully made television!

“The truth is, I can’t be with you like this. I mean, I know I said that I could, but I can’t. I just can’t compromise myself like that. I mean, I’m an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset, and talk about how I’m feeling. I mean, that’s just, that’s who I am, and I can’t change it. I don’t want to. And the thing is, you knew that, you knew it, and you still pursued me. Because you want something with me. You just aren’t strong enough to have it. Which in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is that, one day you’re going to wake up, and you’re going to realized what you missed and its going to be too late.”

“Is it possible to be just friends with someone I have these sort of immoderate feelings or am I doomed forever to just be in love and ultimately, I think, significantly hurt?”

“It’s amazing how we blame ourselves. You know when John died I was a wreck. Certain that somehow cosmically I’d caused that accident. It’s probably just human nature to try to make sense of things. Random things. I think the scariest part is realizing bad things just happen. No reason. No purpose. They just occur. And we’re left to pick up the pieces. I guess that’s what we’re all doing all the time. Just picking up the pieces the best we can.”

“Honesty is not the most important thing in a relationship. The most important thing is too be kind. Honesty, in some cases, is unkind.”

“The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.”

“I put too much importance on things. Romance and sex and I guess with the holidays and weather and everything, I don’t know. For some horrible, annoying reason love matters to me. Ben matters to me. Noel matters to me. And I’m sick of it already. I’m sick of caring so much. Feeling torn and wanting that connection. That soul mate. I just want this feeling to go away.”

“Have you ever felt like there is no solace in anything? Like wherever you turn you’re just lost. I mean, I’ve never felt so lost in every conceivable way before.”

"I’ve become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you’ve figured out what something is, it just becomes something else."


“I’ve discovered the most disturbing thing. That by not being me, I’m getting what I want.”

"That must be an amazing feeling, being good at something you love."

“You never asked me to wait for you—and I don’t even know if you want me to—heck, I don’t even know if I want to… but something is telling me that when you come back I’m going to be exactly what you want, and you will realize I have been here all this time, and you will wonder why you didn’t want me all along. And somehow that will bring us to our happily ever after.”

“Everyone is different. For some people alcohol is their weakness. For others, its gambling or drugs. For you, it’s love. For you, love is that elusive quality that can make you feel whole or unhinge you entirely.”

“Look, I know we said our friendship was over before, but that fight was sort of the proverbial nail in the . The thing I wonder is what’s going to stick - which words, which memories. It’s strange how that works. I remember 10th grade Biology, I got every answer on the final right except for one: Purkinje fibres. And now that’s the only thing I can remember about Biology. Is that gonna happen to us? I mean, after—after all these years, after all our right answers, is that fight gonna be the only thing I remember?”

“Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can pretty much change your life forever.”

"I guess I’m learning, little by little, that we decide what our lives are going to be. Things happens to us, but it is our reaction that matters."

“Love is complicated — full of sacrifice and compromise. But maybe that’s the best part.”

“I think the most important thing to me isn’t an object, I mean, it’s just being here.”

“I guess when your heart gets broken, you sort of start to see the cracks in everything. I’m convinced that tragedy wants to harden us, and that our mission is to never let it.”

“I dreamt once that I lost you. We were on icebergs and I can’t remember if I was floating away from you or you were floating away from me…But I remember waking up beside you. It was the middle of the night and it was raining, like tonight, and I heard your breath calming me. It was like we could speak without words. I wonder how and when we learned this secret language. I only knew that at some point in the silences, I heard you. And now I am left with these words, these useless words, when all I want is to be beside you again. To make you feel safe, to help you sleep, to bring you back to me.”

“And here’s the fact: you can’t get a best friend. Best friends become. They don’t happen in a meeting or a year or 2. It’s a package deal—friendship. Only as valuable as what you put in, come through.”

Clear as a Bell

It was all over before anything even began.

This time was different. I was different. My intentions and feelings were made clear, and things don't always happen that way. If there was ever a time I was most certain about how I felt, it was now. My heart was open and full of adoration for him. My world was his world. My every thought was him. I tried I make him smile. I tried to make him as happy as he could be. But I couldn't be his happiness. I couldn't be his world.

I am not upset or ashamed of my feelings, or even voicing them to him. I needed to say everything I said. I needed to have a clear answer to how he received my feelings. No games, no contrived words to seek a harmonious surface. But I lost. Things weren't in my favor.

Maybe one day he'll see. He'll wake up one morning and see just how much I cared for him. He'll see just how much I loved his flaws, and how all of his imperfections were perfection to me. How my willingness to sacrifice things was done for the better good of a potential "us." But I can't change him. I can't change his mind. And I don't want to. If someone does not desire to receive my affections, I do not desire to put anymore thought towards doing so. If I am not enough for someone, then I can move on.

The truth is, we were wrong for each other. Some things aren't worth fighting for. And he wasn't. He used me and broke my heart in the process. His feelings were always first, and mine were last. His time was not spent thinking of me as I thought of him, yet on frivolous matters. He was selfish and immature and judgmental. No matter what I did or said, nothing was good enough for him.

I have been able to remind myself of all the bad, not just the good. I see now that I deserve more than what he had to offer me. And although he may miss me, I know better than to put myself in a situation where I can be further hurt by him. My thoughts are no longer fixed on him. My world no longer revolves around his every word. There was a time that I would've done anything for him, but not anymore. Once my mind is made up, there is nothing to be done to change it.


My hopes and dreams are not yet lost. I cannot be everyone's, someone. I want to find someone that knows what they want. Someone that does not feel obligated to say or feel a certain way. Someone that is willing to sacrifice, if the need be. Someone that makes me want to change and become a better person, and who feels the same way. Someone that is willing to love all of my flaws, for there are many. Someone that is willing to listen to me and take my feelings into consideration. Someone that is willing to let me into their world, and someone who will come into mine with an open mind. Someone that challenges me. Someone that may not always understand, but seek to understand me and others. Someone that holds the same values to be true. Someone that likes my endless rambling and my silence. And I hope that one day I can find someone who is worthwhile. Not today or even tomorrow. But someday...

My Bermuda Triangle

I am so sick of me and my problems.

I am so tired of being used and stepped on by those I care about. Why is it that I care for those people that continually show their lack of care for me?

I hate that I feel these things. I don't want to be ignored anymore. I want my feelings to be put first, for once. I can't stand that I would do anything for you. I would jump if you said jump. I would give my world to be a part of yours. I revolve around you and I hang of every word you say. I miss you more than I could ever attempt to express. When you are around me, everything is you. I don't have a care in the world because you are there with me. I hate that everytime I wake up, I wait for you. I can't stand you! You drive me crazy! Yet I cannot resist you.

Chemically Imbalanced

It hurts.
What? I'm not entirely sure.

I feel as though I am falling. Falling to a slow and agonizing death. A death of the me I previously was. I feel hollow and uncertain of who I am now. I am so sure about others, but I have never taken the time to navigate myself. I feel like I'm a stranger. It's a weird and awful feeling to be in this place I am. This limbo. I have been broken and I don't know how I will go back to normal. I don't even know if normalcy is even going to be possible for me anymore. I am stuck in this rut. I go neither forward nor backwards.

And I am scared. I am scared to be happy. I am scared that I will be alone. I am scared of moving. I am scared of being seen. I am scared of opening up. I am scared of being hurt.

I don't recover easily. And as much as I put it off, I am hypersensitive. I feel things so deeply it hurts. I care too much and I don't know how to function right. I hide my feelings so that I can protect them. And I cry. I'm fragile and fray far too often. I wish I were stronger. I want to have the strength to pick myself back up again, but I am weak. I am beaten down by people that claim to care for me.

But I have some glimmer of hope, still. I have a desire to be whole again. And that is all that matters...

I Am Not Me Anymore

Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art

This very blog is evidence enough of the role Keats has had in my life. My whole being is homage to the brilliant mind he was. This movie was visually beautiful and superbly executed. One of my all time favorites.

In Dreams, Emotions Are Overwhelming

I have decided to continue with scenes from my favorite movies. Whether they be scenes that make me laugh, cry, or just want to fall in love. Enjoy.

What Is Lost Is Lost

Nothing resonates with me more than Before Sunrise and Before Sunset.

A Number Of Irrational Fears

I have bones made of glass. As tough as my exterior seems, I am incredibly fragile. Instead of drawing strength from my past follies and misfortunes, I have grown weak and weary from them.

It's strange the way life comes and goes. How when one relationship ends, another begins. That is where I find myself these day. I am caught in new sets of roles. I have never been the best at dating, and so I've always been "the friend." That is a role I have been good at, I understand where my place is in that role. I know how to navigate feelings of others in the friend role. But as of lately, I have found myself falling for someone I did not ever see myself falling for. And I'm vulnerable again. I am insecure with myself. Certain feelings have been established, yet I continue to question the sincerity in them. I know what I want in a relationship, but my main question is whether or not I want that relationship to happen now. We are the same in so many way, in the ways that really matter. But I have this fear of messing things up. I want to get it right this time, I want things to last. Even if we decide that being in a romantic relationship isn't for us, I want us to remain friends. Because he gets me. He understands the way I work and doesn't push me to do or feel things I don't. He's gentle and kind. He balances me and challenges me. And I appreciate the time I have spent with him over the past months, even if nothing more than a friendship is to come of this. The point is, I'm glad to know him. I needed him at this point in my life.

Ordinary Life Is Pretty Complex Stuff

I know I say this a lot, but I have changed. So much of who I was has been lost over this past year and I have mourned that loss deeply. There are moments I wish I didn't have to endure and moments I wish I could hold on to just a bit longer. But even though it was a dark period in my life, I am happy for it.

I have learned so much about myself and what I desire. I know what I am doing now and I am going after what I want. There is nothing to hold me back anymore. I have closed the door to the me I was. And the me I am now is anxious for the world to be mine. I am anxious to meet new people and see new places. To get perspective on life and love.

I was reminded of all of this as I read through some old writings. It went: So much to think about. What happen to simpler days when life was about marshmallows and jump rope. They were so much fun, and just happier. But I guess that's life; ever changing, always moving. I suppose I like the change, because that is what makes up the grand things in life. Getting older, being able to do the things you always dreamed of doing as a little kid. Life is funny that way, we're all different; with different ideas and plans. I like that about life, the vast opportunities, the ones life tends to give to us. The ones we choose. How everything we do is just taking us down this journey, this journey we call "life." I like changing, becoming something new, reinventing oneself. It is the best part. I want to welcome the change, like the earth welcomes its seasons, like the night welcomes the day.

Either/Or

I, too, am bound in the same way by a chain formed of gloomy fancies, of alarming dreams, of troubled thoughts, of fearful presentiments, of inexplicable anxieties. The chain is very flexible, soft as silk, yields to the most powerful strain, and cannot be torn apart.

Now And The Days That Follow

As my heart aches to a slow stop and reverberates a soft chill throughout my stiff body, I come to a realization.

My thoughts are not safe here...

A State of Temporary Bereavement

I picked a color long ago
To suit my tawdry tales of woe
And now it doesn’t fit

My friend who’s a fan of shades
Travelled to the Everglades
And asked if I’d come with

There’s no one I would rather see
He’s a special friend to me
But I feel I’d be leaving you behind

That’s the game of love and war
Choose a side you’re fighting for
And see if there’s a white flag to be raised

I know it’s not a fair assessment
But I can’t be asked to wrestle
with the colors of who you’ve now become

Cause you and I are not the same
And neither can be held to blame
It’s just the way the story has to end

Being here or being there
There’s no space for being where
I feel I should be

Loneliness is like a drink
You think you’re on the verge of sinking
when you take the sea

Inter-rooms are good for suckers
Feeling like they’re down on luck
And I’m not gonna drown in my own tears

I can’t ask you anymore
To be the one that I adore
Only when the time is right for me

So let’s just be…

A Glimpse Into A Troubled Soul

Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to say. And it is in those times that I am most sad. It is this defect I have, one that prevents me from communicating at all.

I suffer from severe bouts of depression. It goes untreated most of the time, because I believe I can surpass these episodes without any help. And the reason I feel that way is because I've been doing so all of my life. It is easier for me to pass these times by in solitude where no one tries to make me feel better or tell me what i'm feeling is unfounded. It is a feeling of complete desolation that keeps me from falling even further into a dark abyss of sorrow and pain. If you have never experienced depression, I will try and explain how it feels. As far as feelings go, sometimes there aren't any. At times, I only feel sad and helpless. It is as if the whole world is crashing down on me and I have no motivation to pick myself up again. Or feeling as though you are suffocating, or screaming at the top of your lungs and no one can hear you. Imagine yourself drowning and not even having the strength or will to kick yourself to the top again. That is how it feels at time.

I know there is no shame in saying you have a problem and need help. But I can't bring myself to doing that. Sometimes, I just need someone to talk to. It's therapeutic, in a way. Just someone that can listen and not tell me what I should be feeling. Someone who can understand the delicate state I am in, in my darkest hours. And other times, I want to just be left alone. Because there are a lot of things I can't talk about. Or won't talk about with people who won't understand because depression isn't something anyone, who hasn't experienced it, can grasp. It doesn't just affect those with difficult lives or circumstances. It can happen to even those who live a perfectly fine life.

I guess I should seek help and guidance, but I wouldn't even know where to begin. The help that is available to me can't help me in the way I need to be helped. I don't want to shut people out, but it is an issue that not a lot of people understand. And if one does not understand, there isn't much they can do to help at all. The only thing that happens in more suffering.

We're In Over Our Heads

Surely it is not the thoughts, but the manner in which they are expressed. That is what makes a person a good writer.

It's just such a sad thing to know that, practically, every thought one thinks is unoriginal. It has all been said before. Many times. Infinitely better than I could ever say it myself, even. But the talent is really how one says it. How they can connect with a reader. To make someone, somewhere feel something. Whether it be anger, sadness, or laughter. As long as it can touch someone. Just once.

As a writer, that is what I want. Not that I can technically be considered a writer. But as someone who writes from within, I want something to resonate with someone. Anything. Because then it will all be worth it.

Finding Refuge

When things get tough, we run home. We take shelter under our place of resting to regain what has been depleted.

And yet, it is hard for me to settle. I cannot find the place in which I can call home. I cannot find the place that calms me and fills me with joy. The refuge I seek is not yet a reality.

But one day, I will find that place I belong.